Supporting Teens on Social Media

Written By: Michael Burks, Clinical Trainee at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

TECHNOLOGYand social media play complex roles in the lives of teenagers. Teens are at a developmental stage where social relationships have foremost importance in their lives. Social relationships and group memberships contribute to identity formation and self-esteem.

Social media has tremendous value to teens. Social media can be a support system, a way to connect with friends, even a place for teens to study together and offer peer academic support. Teens use social media to plan outings. Group chats are often where teens feel most included (or excluded) by their peers. Multiplayer online games can be a way for teens to connect with peers and decompress. Online forums and chat rooms provide places where teens can bond over shared interests.

Social media can also cause stress and social pressure. Teens may be hesitant to acknowledge this in front of parents. They may fear that parents will take away their phones or impose other constraints.

While teens know they control what they share online, many worry about what other people might post about them. This could range from friends posting unflattering photos to classmates spreading damaging rumors to outright bullying. Teens may feel a constant need to monitor social media to stay up-to-date on what their peers are talking about.

Many teens are concerned about their privacy and safety. It is common for teens to save and share screenshots of private group messages or online comment sections. Teens feel a lot of pressure to say the right things all the time. Sometimes, even saying nothing at all can be interpreted as taking a side or not supporting a friend. Any missteps online can cause social problems for a teen. 

Social media platforms never take a break. Anyone can post or send a message at any time. Teens who want to support and maintain connections with their peers often grapple with the expectations of constant availability. Teens can feel torn between their desires to be supportive friends and their needs for study time and sleep.

In light of these pros and cons, how can parents, teachers, and other adults best support teens through the ups and downs of social media? Two Harvard researchers, Emily Weinstein and Carrie James, study the role that social media plays in the lives of adolescents. They have found that strategies supporting the agency of teens are most effective. Teens often have the best outcomes when they are empowered to set their own limits and balance tradeoffs. Adults can help teens reason through challenging situations where there may be no easy answer.

Weinstein and James recommend 3 “conversation keys” for adults when talking to teens about social media:

1: “Asking over assuming”

With a warm, nonjudgmental tone, ask open-ended questions about your child’s feelings about social media: 

“What do you like and dislike about Snapchat? Is there anything you would change?”

“How does TikTok help you? What parts of it stress you out or worry you?” 

“What do you wish I understood about Instagram?”

You may hear some things you expect. Other answers may surprise you! Teens often have nuanced opinions and may open up when they do not fear judgment. They’ve grown up immersed in this technology and can have different perspectives than previous generations.

2: “Empathy over eye-rolling”

Remember that adults have very different life priorities than teens. Teens’ worlds often revolve around their social lives. As teens share their worries and fears, try to remember how you felt when you were a teenager. You might feel grateful that you escaped the complexity that social media adds to the social dynamics of high school.

3: “Complexity over commandments”

The social dynamics of each situation may be complex. While parents often look for quick solutions, setting screen-time limits or taking away devices can add to teens’ stress. If a teen is having a hard time balancing technology with their real-world responsibilities, try to have an open conversation about what is going on for them. What values are important to you and to your teen? You might discuss honesty, loyalty, privacy, self-protection, and boundaries. Adolescents are in a stage of life where emotions can take over their thinking. You can help by gently encouraging your teen to identify how they are feeling. Then, together, you can brainstorm possible actions that might help in this situation.

Conversations about social media can be tough. These platforms are hard to navigate as adults. Often there is no easy answer. I hope this framework helps you approach conversations with your teen in a new way. You might learn some new things about technology too!

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References

Weinstein, E., & James, C. (2022). Behind their screens: What teens are facing (and adults are missing). The MIT Press.