Self-Compassion: The Radical Alternative to Self-Esteem

Written By: Anna Fitch, Clinical Intern at ACS, On-Campus Counseling Program

the notion

that high self-esteem plays an integral role in overall well-being has become a platitude in modern society. Parents are given the message that one of their primary jobs is to tend to their child’s self-esteem. Coaches are encouraged to give out participation trophies to all, so that everyone can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment. Teachers are instructed to nurture self-esteem by making each student feel uniquely special and extraordinary. Although these intentions stem from a place of goodness, there is a darker side to self-esteem which current research is beginning to shed a light on.

The dark side of self-esteem

While research has shown some benefits to self-esteem in the past, that is only one side of the story. The truth of the matter is that self-esteem is a fair-weather friend. It is there for us when times are good but abandons us when times are tough. This is due to the fact that high self-esteem relies on social comparison and self-evaluation (Neff, 2009). In other words, our self-regard is dependent on perceiving and believing that we are above average. When we falter and slip below average, low self-esteem easily fuels our inner critic and perpetuates feelings of shame and self-judgment.

When taking a closer look, it becomes evident that self-esteem is a lose-lose situation. For instance, high self-esteem has been associated with higher levels of narcissism (Neff & Vonk, 2009). This has led to the creation of the better-than-average effect, aptly termed because research has found that the majority of us view ourselves overall as “better than average” (Alicke & Govorun, 2005). Some researchers even believe that the creation of “generation me” was due in part to the importance society has placed on high self-esteem in the last few decades (Twenge, 2006) On the flip side, having low self-esteem can lead to problematic effects as well. These include increased anxiety and depression, lowered immune functioning, and even suicidal ideation (Manani & Sharma, 2016; Overholser et. al, 1995). So, if self-esteem is not a catchall solution, what is the alternative?

Self-compassion as an antidote

The answer is self-compassion. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with having high self-regard. Instead, the issue is which mechanism of action we use to grow our self-regard. Self-esteem is one pathway; self-compassion is another. The trouble with relying on self-esteem alone is that it is contingent on comparison. We must perceive ourselves as above average. What is more, the instability of self-esteem forces us on a roller-coaster ride of conditional self-worth. We are perpetually chasing the high of self-esteem, only to reach the peak knowing a plummeting low is inevitable. Some researchers posit that the most devastating effect of self-esteem is the perpetual stress caused by the oscillation between experiences of high and low self-esteem (Franck & Raedt, 2007). In comparison, the reason self-compassion is so radical is because it possesses all of the benefits of self-esteem without any of the aforementioned pitfalls.

Self-compassion is the antidote to the caveats of self-esteem. While both can grow self-worth, self-compassion is built on the premise that our worth is intrinsic. Having worth is never something we must earn, nor can it be lost or removed. To build stable self-worth, it is first necessary to understand the three key components that make up self-compassion (Neff, 2009).

The first is awareness. This is the piece that allows us to see the present moment clearly and recognize the need for compassion.

The second piece is kindness, more specifically, treating yourself with kindness just as you would a dear friend. An attitude of kindness is what allows us to sit with upsetting emotions in a safe, non-judgmental environment.

The final piece is common humanity, which is the knowledge that all people experience suffering. This understanding of a shared human experience diminishes feelings of isolation and counteracts the urge to compare ourselves to others (Neff, 2009).

Using self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, seems contradictory to our typical process. Many people worry that self-compassion will make them selfish in relationships, decrease their motivation, or make them too soft. Fortunately, research has shown the exact opposite to be true. Having self-compassion has been linked to increased compassion in general (Neff & Pommier, 2013). This leads to an increase in perspective-taking, altruism, and willingness to forgive. In this regard, self-compassion has been shown to strengthen relationships both romantic and otherwise. In terms of motivation, yet again self-compassion research offers some surprising and compelling results. Self-compassion has been shown to significantly increase motivation (Breines & Chen, 2012). Those who are high in self-compassion are less likely to fear failure and more likely to try again in the face of defeat. Unlike self-esteem which deserts us in times of need, self-compassion provides a safe environment for us to fall and get back up again. With respect to losing our edge or becoming soft, research suggests that self-compassion actually increases our ability to cope and be resilient during challenging times (Neff & Mcgehee, 2010).

Self-compassion in practice

On top of all of these benefits, a multitude of research has linked self-compassion to reductions in anxiety, depression, stress, and shame, as well as increases in life satisfaction, happiness, and overall health and well-being (Neff, 2011). These findings have direct implications for how we parent, educate, and nurture ourselves and those around us. The question then becomes how do we put the principles of awareness, kindness, and common humanity into action so that we, and our larger community, can reap the benefits of self-compassion? The practice is simple and can be boiled down to one question. To practice self-compassion, we must ask ourselves “What would I say to a dear friend if they came to me with the same thing?”

Though this is straightforward enough, the practice is far from easy. It is unnatural to treat ourselves with kindness. We are not used to extending the same compassion to ourselves which we so readily give out to others. The ability to call on self-compassion takes willingness and dedication, because genuine self-worth is not built overnight. With continued practice, self-compassion is transformational, and the benefits are abundant and widespread. So, next time you find yourself spiraling into a pit of self-judgment and shame, I challenge you to practice self-compassion. First, become aware of your inner critic and the need for compassion. Next, with an attitude of kindness, ask yourself “What would I tell a dear friend?” Finally, rest in the knowledge that you are not alone in this suffering and are deserving of self-compassion. With patience and commitment, self-compassion helps to foster a healthy relationship to high self-regard and can act as a source of continued support throughout our lifetime.

Resources

Alicke, M.D., & Govorun, O. (2005). The better-than-average effect . In M.D. Alicke, D.A.

Dunning, & J.I. Krueger (Eds.), The Self in Social Judgment (pp. 85–106). New York: Psychology Press.

Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143. doi:10.1177/0146167212445599

Franck, E., & Raedt, R. D. (2007). Self-esteem reconsidered: Unstable self-esteem outperforms level of self-esteem as vulnerability marker for depression. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 45(7), 1531-1541. doi:10.1016/j.brat.2007.01.003

Manani, P., & Sharma, S. (2016). SELF ESTEEM AND SUICIDAL IDEATION: A CORRELATIONAL

STUDY. MIER Journal of Educational Studies, Trends and Practices, 3.

Twenge, J. (2006). Generation me: Why today’s young Americans are more confident, assertive,

entitled – and more miserable than ever before. New York: Free Press.

Neff, K. D. (2009). The Role of Self-Compassion in Development: A Healthier Way to Relate to Oneself. Human Development, 52(4), 211-214. doi:10.1159/000215071

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1-12. doi:10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x

Neff, K. D., & Mcgehee, P. (2010). Self-compassion and Psychological Resilience Among Adolescents and Young Adults. Self and Identity, 9(3), 225-240. doi:10.1080/15298860902979307

Neff, K. D., & Pommier, E. (2013). The relationship between self-compassion and other-focused

concern among college undergraduates, community adults, and practicing meditators. Self and Identity, 12(2), 160-176. doi:10.1080/15298868.2011.649546

Neff, K.D., & Vonk, R. (2009). Self-compassion versus global self-esteem: Two different ways

of relating to oneself. Journal of Personality, 77, 23–50

Overholser, J. C., Adams, D. M., Lehnert, K. L., & Brinkman, D. C. (1995). Self-esteem deficits and suicidal tendencies among adolescents. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 34(7), 919-928. doi:10.1097/00004583-199507000-00016