Resilience – How to Help Our Teens Stay Strong

When I think about these two girls, I’m struck by their ability to cope with adversity. They both have work days that are way longer than many adults, they both carry a lot of responsibility, and they both have to function in the midst of their emotional pain. They are extremely resilient. Not everyone has what it takes to keep going in the midst of such challenges, but the good news is that as parents we can actually help our teens build that core strength.

I once worked as a consultant at a school in Redwood City, a job that was based on research results regarding resilience. A study had followed a large group of kids who had been challenged with extreme adversity, with the intention of pinpointing what had helped them grow up to become happy and healthy adults. The findings were very clear and they also turned out to be useful as guidelines for anyone who wants to foster resilience in their teen. The study concluded that three simple factors had helped the kids:

1. They had at least one caring adult in their life who believed in them
2. They were met with high – yet realistic – expectations, and
3. They had all been involved in meaningful activitiesFirst of all, know it takes just one person to help a child make it in this world. That person is very often you, so even if your teens seem eager to push you away, know that your unconditional love, your support and belief in them is absolutely crucial to them. Remember that the little things often go a long way, like an out of the blue expression of love and appreciation, a word of gratitude for simply being in your life, or a family dinner where you take the time to truly listen.
4. All research shows that a teen who feels connected to their family does much, much better when the going gets tough. Connections with other adults who can help them navigate through difficult times will add to their strength as well so try to encourage them to reach out and talk to other trusted adults, like a favorite family member, a teacher, a coach, a priest, or a counselor. Although it only takes one caring person to carry them through, a village does an even better job.

Expectations are very important too, and once again you need to trust that even though your teens might be fighting you, they are paying close attention to your expectations underneath their resistance. Make sure your expectations are high but realistic and based on an accurate assessment of what your teen is capable of; for some passing all their classes and graduating high school is a lofty goal that will require all the strength they possess, for others A’s and B’s are a stretch, but still realistic. The same goes for extracurricular activities, another area where you have to make sure your expectations fit the abilities and interests of your teen. It is also helpful if you communicate your expectations clearly, “getting C’s and above” is much clearer than “doing good in school”.

Finally, there is no doubt that being involved and engaged in meaningful activities is a source of strength for all teens. It is very important for them to feel that their contributions matter, that they are needed and appreciated for what they do. Getting a job is a big source of pride for teens. Helping out in the family with younger siblings, cooking or cleaning might cause them to complain, but it also makes them feel valuable and strong. In addition, you can have a conversation with your teen about what they are interested in and use that to create a list of possible clubs, groups, or organizations where they can contribute to a meaningful cause and meet likeminded people.

If you use these three basic principles, chances are that your teens will be able to join the ranks of the Marias and Mindys of this world. You will be helping your teens become much more resilient human beings, a valuable gift they will be able to utilize and benefit from for the rest of their lives.