Ask
A.J. Answers
Teens
Parents
Teens
Is weed addictive?
"Weed" or marijuana is addictive, but only psychologically,
not physically. What that means is that your body won't become addicted
to it, but your mind might decide that the feeling of being on marijuana
feels better than being without it. The experience is variable from person
to person, and can't always be relied on to be consistent. It is often
said that marijuana leads to harder drugs. This may be true because when
marijuana is used, it is often used to try to deaden pain that one is
experiencing in life. These individuals often get into hard drugs because
rather than deal with the cause of the pain, they try to not feel the
pain. This is a very slippery slope. If you get invited to try marijuana,
say NO! This is a matter of safety for you. Tell an adult that you trust
that this has happened. Marijuana is an illegal substance. It is illegal
to possess it.
Are gangs bad if they don't harm anyone?
A gang of girls that hang around together at school and go to movies or
spend the night together is one kind of a gang. This isn't the popular
definition of a gang today. We usually think of a gang as kids who hang
out and are often involved in illegal activities. These groups are dangerous
to the individuals because they often encourage their members to do activities
that put the members at risk for their own safety as well as the safety
of others.
Ok,
I told this guy, after knowing him for at
least three or four years (we did go out),
that I thought I was in love with him, we're
not together now, but we flirt a lot and
hang out and are considered "friends
with benefits". Our friends are also always
telling us we should start dating again. He said
he felt for me to, and if he wasn't taken then
we'd be together, but then he said something
about it wasn't me, it was him being the main
reason we're not together. Does that mean he's
scared of me or something now because I told
him that? Or is he just scared knowing he can
be with me and stay with me or something like
that? I'm confused and I don't know how to take
what he said. I could use any help you can offer.
It sounds like you are very confused about the relationship you have
with this guy. I wonder if the two of you communicate clearly. What
does it mean to be "friends with benefits"? Do you both
understand what that means to each other? He seems unsure if he has
left you feeling unclear about his intentions.
It is important to be able to clearly communicate what each of you need/want
from the other. You may be ready for something he's not ready for, but
you will only know this if you can tell him what it is you want from your
relationship.
If he is unable to give you a clear and direct
answer, it may mean he is not the right one
for you. Good Luck, A.J.
What is Mono, is it infectious, and what is the cure?
Mono is the abbreviation for an infectious disease called Mononucleosis.
It is a disease of primarily affluent teens and young adults (15-20 years
of age). It is often called the "kissing disease" because it
is spread by person to person contact via saliva (on hands or toys, or
by kissing). No treatment is needed except bed rest. One remains infectious
for up to one year after the symptoms of the disease disappear. The rumor
that one can never kiss again once they have the disease is false.
Can I get mono from kissing?
"Mono" is the short name for Mononucleosis. It is a viral infection
that often relatively affluent young adults get. It is spread by sharing
respiratory secretions, e.g. saliva and mucus from the nose. So, yes,
kissing can be a cause of mononucleosis, but so can sharing someone’s
food, soda can, or toothbrush.
If
I have sex with someone who has Mono but don't
kiss them, can I still get Mono?
Having sex with anyone should be
carefully considered because of the emotional
and physical effects it can have for both partners. Before
having sex you should think about the effect
this may have on you, the girl, and your relationship
and look at if you feel ready to make this kind
of important decision.
The physical effects of sexual intercourse may
include pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases,
or other medical issues. Because I am not
a medical doctor, I cannot give advise on your
question regarding contracting Mono through sexual
intercourse. However, you can go to http://plannedparenthood.org/.
Planned Parenthood offers medical information
related to sexual health and you can also contact
your local Planned Parenthood or your own doctor.
Another online resource is http://www.webmd.com/ which
provides extensive information on Mono and sexually
transmitted diseases.
I can't sleep at night but my parents won't let me take any
medication. Do you have any suggestions?
If you are having trouble sleeping, you might consider what you are eating
or doing just before bed that might keep you from sleeping. Some foods
have lots of caffeine in them, for instance: chocolate, coffee, non-herbal
teas, some soft drinks. Activities before bedtime that make you excited
could be video games, exciting movies, or exciting books. Try to do some
soothing activity before bed like a warm bath, quiet music, maybe some
relaxation exercises. Are you getting enough exercise during the day?
This can help relieve stress as well as make you physically tired. If
you have trouble sleeping because you feel stressed and anxious, then
this is something that may need to be discussed with your parents. It's
a good idea to share this problem with your parents so they know why you
asking for a sleep aid. You may need to be seen by your family physician.
You may be having symptoms of depression and this needs to be checked
out by a professional.
I have a guy friend and I found out he likes me and he told
our friend that he wont be with me because he’s afraid our friendship
will be messed up and I really like him and so does he please help oh
and please send your answer to [e-mail address] because this is my dads
email address that you're receiving and I don’t want him to know
yet thank you in advance and goodbye.
This is a hard place to be. It is not unusual for one person in a relationship
to feel the potential for a deeper relationship sooner than the other.
I suggest you stick with the friendship. He may not be ready to deepen
your relationship. It is often the case that friendship does develop into
something deeper and this seems to be the strongest kind of relationship.
You need to be patient.
Good Luck. A.J.
How old do I have to be to get a tattoo? Does it really hurt?
I think you need to be of legal age to get a tattoo without your parent’s
permission. Yes, it does hurt and it can be dangerous if it is not done
under hygienic conditions. A tattoo is a permanent marking of the skin
with dye. It is done with needles and permanent ink. Tattooing is considered
minor surgery because it breaks the skin with an instrument and therefore
can cause a bad infection if it is not done well. It is hard to remove
and often leaves a scar when removed.
There's a kid at school that's always teasing me. How can I
get him to stop?
When teasing goes on between kids at school it
can mean different things. Sometimes young boys
think this is the only way for a boy to let a
girl know when he especially likes her. If this
isn't the case and the boy is really hurting
you with his words, you need to tell him to stop
in a very sure and loud voice and walk away.
If he persists or follows you, you need to get
help from an adult who you trust. It is important
that school officials know that teasing or bullying
is going on so they can stop it from happening.
It's not okay to feel unsafe at school.
My mom kicked me out of her house and she doesn’t want
me, my dad is thinking about doing the same thing what do I do? I need
a home i'm only 14..... please write back and help me I just cant deal
with everything ...My friends and relationships are going down hill I
like this friend of mine his name is ... and I don’t know if I’m
even gong to be able to live a life if I cant get my relationships and
my living situation turned around please help me....
I know it's been a month since you wrote this, so I am wondering how
your situation has turned out. I don't know where you live, but I do know
that in most communities there are hot lines where you can get information
about emergency housing. You need to go the phone book and look in the
emergency pages. There should be some Emergency Crisis Hotline numbers
that can be called 24 hours. You can also ask a counselor in your school
for help.
I hope you are okay and that you discovered
the support that you have around you. A.J.
I’m 11 and I want to have a boyfriend really bad! My mom
says to have a boyfriend I have to write down 11 good reasons to have
a boyfriend. What
should I do?
At 11 years of age it is normal to start thinking about having a
boyfriend. Having to come up with 11 reasons to please your mother is
very hard because I am sure that the feelings you are having are hard
to
put into words. I do know that one bad reason to have a boyfriend is just
so that you can
feel okay about yourself. OR: If one of your reasons to have a boyfriend
is so that you can feel ok about yourself, that would not be a good reason.
At 11 you are probably wondering who you are and you are probably
getting lots of ideas about this from your friends. When you think about
what your friends say about you it's a good idea to ask yourself, "do
they really know me?" What do you know about yourself? Do you feel
okay just the way you are? Do others try to tell you how to be?
I think having a boyfriend or a girlfriend who likes you just as you
are and doesn't need you to be what you are not is probably okay. The
most important thing is to be able to be your best self no matter who
you are with. If you can't be yourself, then you probably shouldn't be
in that relationship.
Good luck, A.J.
I just moved from California to a small town in Wyoming. Its very
Mormon oriented. I do have a few friends that aren’t Mormon and
the Mormons like turn on when you're not expecting it. I hate it …
what should I do?
I just received your email from Wyoming. It sounds like you are experiencing
"culture shock" moving to a new place and not understanding
the culture or how things work. I imagine if these Mormons came to California
they would have the same reaction you are having. It's okay not to understand
everything right away. It is very hard to move to a new place and not
understand all that you think you should know. This may be America, but
sometimes new parts of America can be like coming into a foreign land;
you need to learn the language and customs - and you will.
I am not sure what you mean by "the Mormons like turn on when you’re
not expecting it." What I am guessing is that they are doing something
that you don't understand. It might help to just step back and observe
what is going on. Then ask someone who has been there longer and who you
trust just exactly what they are doing.
Be patient with yourself, you will catch on. Tell me what you discover.
A.J.
I am 19 years old, I work full time during the day and I go to
school full time at night. My life is pretty busy. I live with my boyfriend
and his family for a few reasons one being convenience they live right
by my work and school, and secondly because I love being able to spend
this time with my boyfriend. We would have our own place but we can't
right know due to financial restraints. My mom lives about 20 minutes
away and constantly complains that I don't see her enough, and don't spend
enough time with my family. I tried to explain to her that I have such
a busy schedule, and that I am not doing this intentionally, but she doesn't
understand and she makes me feel so guilty and awful for living my life
like this. I also explained to her that if I moved away to college she
really would only see me a few times a year. I don't know what else to
do. Please help!
I can see that
you really do care about keeping in touch with
your mom. It is hard, especially when you have
such a full schedule. I know so little about
you, but it sounds like your mother really misses
you, too. I suspect she knows you care for her
and doesn’t understand why you can't
schedule time for her.
One thing you might try is to ask your mom to meet you for lunch when
you are at work. Do you take time to eat dinner? Ask her to bring a picnic
dinner and share it with you.
Another thing you might try is to make a time calendar. Each day budget
time for all the things you need to do, be realistic, and budget down-time,
too. If you don't plan for fun time, you will soon find yourself wasting
time thinking about fun. I imagine you have more time than you realize
and could make a standing appointment with your mom at a place convenient
for you.
If she insists that you come to see her, then, I suspect she really doesn't
understand how busy you are. If you make time for her, I suspect she will
feel how much you value your relationship and want to make it happen.
Again, because I have so few details about
the situation, e.g. does your mother drive?,
I am not sure these suggestions are helpful.
I hope I have helped unblock the log jam that
is keeping you from figuring out this dilemma.
Let me know if this helped. A.J.
Where would I find info on Sex Education?
I can't recommend a web site to you, but I can recommend several good
books that may be available in your school library, and if not there,
they can be purchased online or at the local book store.
The Teenage Body Book by Kathy McCoy
The Underground Guide to Teenage Sexuality by Michael Basso
The Sex Lives of the Teenager by Lynn E. Ponton
I believe it is important to get accurate and up-to-date information on
sexuality so that you can make wise decisions about your life. It is also
important that you have someone you trust to talk with. It may not be
your parents, but it might be a trusted relative, teacher, counselor,
or your family physician. If you're in the Palo Alto middle or high schools,
you can contact an Adolescent Counseling Services Counselor to help you
with your questions.
My Boyfriend just started doing weed 1 week and a day ago. His
mom died on the 8th of July and the funeral was the 11th of July on the
11th we got in a huge fight and that's when he started. I've tried to
get him to stop but he won't listen. He told me not to tell anyone but
I care about him to much.
What can I do? How can I get him to stop. The only people who know is
me, my mom, my friend, my grandmother and his cousin. What can I do to
help him before it gets to far?
I have been on vacation so I am sorry for this delay.
I can tell you're very concerned about your boyfriend. He is going through
a very tough part of life and it is not uncommon for those individuals
to seek ways to make the pain go away in a hurry, hence taking drugs.
It is often very hard to convince these individual that what they're doing
doesn't work, when in fact the high seems to make things feel better in
the moment when it hurts.
I noticed that you have managed to share this
with members of your family. I imagine your
boyfriend's family is struggling. His father
needs to know what his son is doing to take
care of the pain. This is not tattling. This
is keeping someone you care about SAFE. If you
can't talk to his dad, I suggest that you have
your mom call him. It is important that his
family knows what he is needing to do to cope
with the feelings arising from the loss of his
mom.
It sounds as if your boyfriend and maybe his whole family could use some
help with their grief. There are often agencies available that work with
families experiencing this kind of loss. If you live in the San Francisco
Bay Area, there is KARA. Go to their web page (www.kara-grief.org). I
think they might be able to help you.
So, I hope this helps. The most important issue here is keep your boyfriend
safe and help him to find an appropriate way to help himself through his
loss. He is lucky that he has you to care so much about him.
Let me know what happens. A.J.
My friends drink beer at parties. I don't but feel left out.
What can I say to them?
If your friends drink at parties they are breaking the law unless they
are 21 years of age. Often teens think they are being grown up when they
drink and they think that it will help them feel more comfortable socially.
I assume that you care about obeying the law and that you probably don't
need beer to have a good time. You might express that to them and ask
why they need to drink at parties. It is potentially dangerous for you
to be at a party with illegal drinking. If the police got involved you
might find yourself in a bad situation. Are there responsible adults at
these parties? In general, it is wise to only go to parties where parents
or other responsible adults are around. If you get to a party and discover
drinking or any behavior that makes you feel uncomfortable, leave. You
might consider some new friends. These friends seem to be putting you
at risk
My parents won't let me date until I'm 16 but a boy asked me
to a movie. What should I tell him?
It is important to respect your parent’s wishes. You probably don't
want to hear that. I believe the most important thing between a child
and his/her parents is that they be able to trust each other. Are you
able to go out with groups of friends? Can you go to the movie with a
group including this boy? Ask your parents if that is acceptable. It's
important that you let your parents know what you are thinking and that
you know what they think. When parents believe that their children are
truthful, then they are less likely to worry and are more often willing
to let their children do things on their own.
I need help. What can I say to my friend that I really like
and I think he likes me and I want to tell him how I feel about him but
I don’t know what to tell him I already got this much...ok this
is from my heart I love you, I love you a lot, I mean ALOTTTTT.....your
like everything to me every time you same something sweet I feel special.
I love you more than I love you more den I love my family. if anything
bad happens to you ill like kill myself! I want to share my life with
you. I want you to be apart of my life ...!
I don’t know what else to say I mean I love him and I want him to
know that I do so maybe he can go out with me cause i know he wants to
what should I say?
hope you can help!
I can see you really care a lot for Andrew. It is always hard to know
how to express feelings when they are as intense as yours. Being able
to do this face to face is the best, but I know that sometimes that is
impossible when the feelings are so strong. You might write him a well
crafted letter. When writing you will have time to think clearly about
what you want him to know and he will have time to consider what you have
said and be able to respond in the same way. You might consider rewriting
the second paragraph of the note you sent me into a letter.
It is important to know that Andrew may not feel as intensely about you,
as you do about him. He may not know how to respond to your feelings or
he may respond in a way that may disappoint you. Just be aware of this.
This is one of the hard parts of relationships and can often discourage
someone who feels so intensely. This is where courage comes into play.
Let me know what happens. Good luck, A.J.
My friend told me she wanted to commit suicide and instructed
me not to tell anyone. What should I do?
This is a very hard place for you to be. On the one hand you want to respect
your friend and on the other you are afraid for her safety. Your friend
has put you into a very difficult place. She may actually be asking for
your help by telling you. It is important to break this confidence and
get help. You need to tell an adult that you trust and let them handle
the situation. You can also call a suicide hotline and talk to someone.
I would encourage you to give the hotline number to your friend and be
there when she calls. You will need to tell her that you talked to someone
because you care about her and needed to get her some help.
I'm 16, I was raped when I was 5 yrs old, My current boyfriend
is pressuring me to have sex with him, I haven't had intercourse since
the incident, but I've performed oral, I'm am nervous about having sex
because I've heard that when people are raped they sometimes can't have
sex for whatever reasons, do you have any advice?
There are a couple of issues that you present:
- Should you have sex
with your boyfriend?
- People who are raped can not have sex.
The latter statement is incorrect, provided that no physical damage was
done to you when you were so young. To be sure of this you probably should
see your family doctor. I would guess that you may still be carrying around
some painful memories of being raped. These memories can definitely affect
how you view sex. I think counseling would help you better understand
and clarify how this experience has affected you psychologically.
The other issue: having sex with your boyfriend. I am wondering if you
are nervous about having sexual intercourse because it is such a big step
for a teen to take, not only because you think you can't. Your intuition
of nervousness is a good one. It is a huge step and should not be taken
lightly. If you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason and your boyfriend
really cares about you and not just about having sex, then he should want
to wait, just to care for and respect who you are.
It's unfortunate that girls often feel the pressure to have sex before
they are ready because they think they will lose their boyfriend if they
don't deliver. It's more important that you be able to respect yourself
and be able to live with yourself and not let others pressure you into
an act that feels wrong for you. Any guy worth his salt will respect that
attitude.
Hope this helps. Let me know what you decide.
Can I still go to college if I don't get good grades?
It's hard to know what you mean by "good grades" . One can get
into college with C's. If you have lots of F's and D's then it will be
harder. Of course, the better the grades, the better your chances of getting
into a variety of colleges; and you don't need to take Advance Placement
(AP) courses to get into a good college. Junior college is a good place
to start one’s college career if your grades aren't very strong,
and then you can finish at a four year school. You can always check this
out with your academic counselor at school - they know all about this.
When we go to the mall, my friends shoplift stuff for fun. They
say they won't get caught. Will I get in trouble if I'm with them but
don't take anything?
I suspect you will get into trouble with them because you would be seen
as part of the problem. Your friends will eventually get caught and will
have to deal with the police; it is only a matter of time. I wonder why
you call them your friends when they do risky things that could endanger
your safety. It is clear they don't care about you or they wouldn't risk
your safety. Find some new friends that share your beliefs about honesty.
Parents
My
daughter is 13 years old and has been going
through a very hard time. I want to help her
and for the first time as a parent I do not
know the words to make her feel better or remedy
the problem.
My daughter has been friends with a group
of girls for the last year or so since she
started attending middle school. They were
pretty tight and though they had small rifts,
they got along well. A
few weeks ago everything went wrong. One of her friends got angry at something
my daughter did, which without going into all the details was about something
very minor and done at the request of the girl. When my daughter went to school
she was completely frozen out by this girl and all the girls in the group felt
they had to pick sides and did not pick my daughter's side. To make it harder
for my daughter was the fact the girls actually told her they would be her
friend in class and on the phone and computer but could not let this other girl
know they were friends. One girl who was my daughter's partner in gym class was
walking with her after class and upon seeing the other girls, actually told my
daughter to get away and not to follow her. Another girl who was raised properly
was told if she spoke to my daughter they would all sock her 10 times in the
arm. Happily she did not buckle to the pressure and is the only one willing to
be her own person and be a seen with my daughter. During the last few weeks my
daughter has not known where to go for lunch and is not welcome anywhere at school.
She is lost and sad all the time.
I worry about her because she is not the type
to cry over things and has been through many hard situations in her life. She
is pretty strong and resilient, but this has gone on so long it is wearing her
down emotionally and making my happy positive girl into a very sad young lady.
She has been getting physically sick over all the stress and tonight asked me
if maybe she was wrong about herself. She said she must not be the person she
thought she was if everyone hated her so much. She was crying and saying she
thought she was a good
friend but must have been wrong for everyone to hate her. I am concerned for
her because she is almost completely broken from this and her self esteem is
shattered. It is killing me to see her hurt so badly. She has had more loss in
her life then most kids and dealt with some heavy stuff regarding her dad. Through
all that she never lost hope or had any self loathing or days of gloom, but this
situation has brought out a side of my daughter I never knew. She is defeated,
lost and has no idea how to make things better. Please help advise me on what
I can do for her because this is really taking a toll not only on her, but I
feel so sad and hurt for her. As her mother I need to help her, but nothing I
have suggested has worked to make things better so far.
The thing I feel
so bad about is the girls who are doing this were her best friends. I wish they
understood friends are supposed to have each other's back. My daughter is begging
me to put her in a new school and insisting she cannot take another day of feeling
lost and feeling like she has nowhere to go at school that she can feel comfortable.
Tonight it killed me when she told me she feels so lost. This is not the child
I know and it seems they have won in breaking her spirit.
I
feel pulling her out of this school would be teaching her to run from problems
and to walk away when life gets hard. I want to teach her to be strong and to
resolve conflicts through communication, compassion and care! The dilemma is
it is not just one girl, but has gotten so big and out of control than the whole
group has turned on her.
Any wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated
because I am at a loss!
Unfortunately, the situation you are describing
is not uncommon among teenage girls; they can
be very mean. Often when groups of girls single
out one of their friends it is because they feel
intimidated, threatened, or jealous. These situations
are so hard to deal with because one of the only
things that will be a sure remedy is time.
In time your
daughter will get her spirit back, she will probably find different girls to
be friends with and land back on her feet. In the mean time, you can help her
out by reminding her that this situation is normal, that her peers are being
mean and immature, and that this too will pass.
For you,
I would recommend a book called The
Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons
which will offer a broader perspective on the culture of young women these days.
I would also suggest you reach out to the schools guidance counselor to alert
the administration that this behavior is occurring - threats of violence (socking
someone in the arm for talking to someone else) is not tolerated on school campuses.
The guidance counselor may also have suggestions for places where your daughter
can go to eat lunch and find some solace on campus, away from these mean girls.
The library can be a nice quiet place to take refuge - of course, it depends
on the school, but many teachers will make themselves available at lunch time
so students can have an additional place to hang out. Another possible place
to seek new friends would be clubs or activity groups on campus.
It sounds
like your daughter is a mature, thoughtful, caring
person who is ahead of her time. Be watchful
of her eating and sleeping habits. If you notice
big changes, and she seems down all the time,
consider seeing her pediatrician to get her evaluated
for depression.
I
know this is a time of struggle and pain for
both of you, but as I said, this too will pass.
Be strong. A.J.
My daughter and her boyfriend broke up after 5 months of dating.
She is 15, she is moody and depressed, her grades have slipped, and she
keeps emailing him about how horrible her life is now and that she is
just miserable and hates her life and family? Help!
It sounds as if your daughter is having a hard time with this break up.
Relationships can be very powerful in an adolescent's life. When one that
is particularly intense breaks up, it often leaves the adolescent feeling
adrift and needing to redefine who they are in the context of their friends.
Your daughter sounds like she could be experiencing some depression:
grades slipping and not caring or not engaged in her day-to-day life are
often symptoms of depression. This is probably a normal reaction to the
real pain in her life. However, I think it would be wise to seek help
from a counselor.
This is important for two reasons. It will let your daughter know that
you support her and understand that what she is experiencing is real and
important to you. Secondly, if she is struggling with depression you need
to know that. Talking to a professional can help your daughter get through
this hard time and bring you peace of mind.
Hope this helps you. Let me know how this works out. A.J.
Is marijuana addictive?
Marijuana is addictive, but only psychologically, not physically. What
that means is that your body won't become addicted to it, but your mind
might decide that the feeling of being on marijuana feels better than
being without it. The experience is variable from person to person, and
can't always be relied on to be consistent. It is often said that marijuana
leads to harder drugs. This may be true because when marijuana is used,
it is often used to try to deaden pain that one is experiencing in life.
These individuals often get into hard drugs because rather than deal with
the cause of the pain, they try to not feel the pain. This is a very slippery
slope. If you get invited to try marijuana, say NO! This is a matter of
safety for you. Tell an adult that you trust that this has happened. Marijuana
is an illegal substance. It is illegal to possess it.
We had to move from Wisconsin to Utah this summer in my daughter's
junior year. She is having great trouble adjusting despite making the
girl's tennis team and the Advanced Women's choir, two of her most sought
after interests. She went the first day of school, but said it was horrible,
no one talked to her and that the teachers were horrible and the other
students druggies. She cried all night and on day two (today) refused
to even go. Her dad and I insisted and weathered through the barrage of
F words, screams, threats to end her life etc. In other words we stood
our ground, acknowledged her unhappiness and anger but drove her to school.
My gut tells me it was the right thing to do, but my heart aches for her.
This is a usually happy, friendly young lady. She is also an intelligent
(4.0) student and prides herself on doing well in school--until this morning
when she announced that she didn't care, would flunk out or run away.
Should I continue to "make" her go to school? What about counseling—I
called the school one but she hasn't returned my calls yet. I am considering
outside therapy, but is that over reacting? Should I give her more time
and hope the morning battles don't persist? She wants me to home school
her or send her back to WI to live with friends and return to her old
HS. We told her she needed to stay here for at least one school year and
give it her best shot and then at the end of the year we would discuss
the possibility of a domestic exchange student for her senior year if
needed. That doesn't appear good enough for her--thus the HUGE tantrum
this morning.
We love our daughter very much and want her to be happy. Any suggestions?
Your situation is not an unusual one. Teens are often closer to their
friends at this age than they are to their parents, so moving your daughter
away from her long-time peers is a BIG upheaval for her. I am guessing
you have figured this out. She has lost her network of friends that help
identify her and support her when she is needing someone. It is not uncommon
for a teen to react as if it is the end of the world when this happens.
Your reactions sound appropriate. It is important that you continue to
affirm her feelings of how hard this is.(I'm sure the move has made your
whole family a little more fragile and sensitive) And, yes, at the same
time you should continue to insist that your daughter go to school. I
would also recommend that you visit in person with the counselor or principal
and let them know what is going on. I imagine if this high school is like
most, it is the size of a small city and kids can get lost in the system
if someone doesn't give the school administrators a heads up.
The counselor, if she/he does more than academic counseling, will be good
to work with. He/she can help find another student for you daughter to
connect with or an activity at school that will help her connect. He/she
can see both you and your daughter to work this out together.
It is imperative that you be involved; even
though your teen doesn't think she needs it,
she does. She needs to know deep inside that
you are still there to help her with her problems.
This may not be met with a positive reaction
on her part, hence the "huge tantrums." Take
heart, this is not unlike the feelings of helplessness
that parents feel when dealing with a tiny inconsolable
child - you think it will never end - it will.
I think you have made some reasonable requests.
That you have asked your daughter to try at
this new school and if it doesn't work out then
consider a senior year exchange seems very reasonable.
If she does settle in it will have been a good
growth experience for her; teaching her that
she is resilient in the face of change.
In the moment it seems unending- this is the hard part of loving someone-
not wanting them to hurt and yet knowing what you are asking is important
and the right thing to do.
Best wishes. If you think about it, let me know what happens. A.J.
With the recent local news, I've thought a lot about suicide
among teens. can you talk about that?
It's not surprising that you are thinking about suicide after the experience
the Palo Alto community had a few weeks ago. It has been on everyone’s
mind. Thinking about taking one's life is common among adolescents. The
question is: are teenagers who think about and/or actually attempt suicide
different from other teenagers? Healthy teens, even if they think about
it, are highly unlikely to seriously consider taking their own lives,
even when they are frustrated by some particularly troubling personal
problems. Most teens have sufficient skills to access support to help
them through even the most extreme personal or family problem. The concern
is for the teens that are isolated from their families and peers - they
have no one to turn to for help when they are feeling as if they are at
a point of despair. You are very fortunate to have the support of the
people around you who are concerned when things are not going well for
you. Give your parents a hug!
I
just found out that it is possible that my
13 year old daughter might have kissed another
girl (age 11) on the chest. I do not know for
sure if this is true, both my daughter and
the 11 year old said it isn't. But what do
I do if it is? My daughter never gets in trouble
at school, at other peoples homes, and very
seldom gets in trouble at home. She is a very
sweet person. I was also told that she bullies
people around and I’m finding this very
hard to believe, but I know anything is possible.
For thirteen years I have never had any complaints, as a matter of fact
I have people wanting to adopt her to help them out with their teenage
daughters. But if this is true than what and how do I talk to her without
making matters worse. I'm against anything that isn't heterosexual, but
I love my daughter unconditionally. Please Help.
It seems there are two issues here. One: can
I trust my daughter to tell me the truth? Two:
Is my daughter experimenting with her sexuality?
Both of these issues require good communication.
When you talk with your daughter, do so at a time when you are both in
a good place with each other. Make it an intentional time, not "oh,
by the way.” This will help her to know that you care and are serious
about what you're talking about.
It is important to check out with your daughter your concern and, I would
guess, fear that you can't trust her. Tell her why this bothers you. "I
want to trust you, but how do I know I can?" or "I need to be
able to trust because...." Maybe there is something that has happened
that has jeopardized this trust - talk about that as well.
Regarding the sexual experimentation. Rather than come at her with fear
and anger about what you think might have happened, find a way to talk
about sexual development during adolescence. What she is doing, if she
is doing it, is normal for this age. Adolescents are trying on all kinds
of identities. But it sounds like this event, in fact, isn't even the
truth.
The bottom line here is knowing that you and she can trust each other
to tell the truth. You need to be able to talk to her about her emerging
sexual identity and there are some great books that you can share with
her. Check the library in your city or at her school, or call your family
doctor. This might seem hard to initiate, but it will bring you a lot
closer and she will be able to hear and understand why your values are
important to you.
I hope this helps. Write back and let me know what happened.
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